Following on from the critical acclaim of their
recently launched Up! Range, Volkswagen are due to launch their FACT! Range in
2013.
According to the press bumf “Volkswagen historically have always had a strong relationship with Ireland, from KND kit manufacture of the Beetle, to in-life destructive testing throughout the ‘80s with rural owners of Jettas, and indeed the testing of a suite of brands here now. Fact!"
They went on to say “Ireland’s culture now is leading edge in many respects such as technology and austerity so we were cognisant of, and moved swiftly to capture, the zeitgeist of Irish life. This is why we now proudly bring you the Volkswagen FACT!”.
Mirroring the MQB platform-sharing architecture first seen in the Mk7 Golf, the FACT! utilises a specific configuration coded internally as ‘IMF’. This is built down to a price that would make a mexican owner blush, but provides a very cost-effective base on which to build the FACT! and allows multiple styles and propulsive devices to be marketed for specific countries and demographics. Ireland is the brand launch country, with three trim levels being provided at launch. These are as follows:
WhiteLine – top of the range, sporting a mirrored external finish with French accents inside including multiple powder holders. Off-road, urban warrior accoutrements are a no cost option, replacing the chrome accents with ‘Columbian "High"land' exterior cladding. Luxurious multiple cylinder engines are the only option, all mated to 8spd DSG gearboxes. Full connectivity is standard, using SmugCloud synergization of social media, active cruise control designed for urban environments and, a world first, linked to the location of your socialite/mumsie buddies where it will drop a window, slow down, and allow you to say ‘must do lunch – bring Tarquin!’ whilst simultaneously updating your Facepalm account. Dynamically it is utter, utter, UTTER $hit with no redeeming qualities other than not making much noise as it bounces & shudders and crashes its way along, but Volkwagen are confident that "over the last 20years we have progressively lowered the appreciation of such things to the point that our demographic are now uneducated as to how a car should perform, and equate ‘painful’ with ‘sporty’.". Which contextualises why so many bored housewifes equate rough anal to a bit of daytime sport, and also that a lot of male Audi drivers are obviously pillow biters.
FrontLine – expected to the the most popular FACT! model, bought predominantly by the ‘coping classes’. This is fully specced outside with large wheels, additional chrome accents, 2.7TDi 4motion badging and sophisticated colour combinations that ‘express the comfortable, educated and informed style of their moderately successful owners’ according to Volkswagen. In a clever juxtaposition the powerplant is a 1.4TDi driving a single front wheel only. A pay-as-you-go meter is housed in the centre console in place of any in car entertainment. Upholstery is modelled on Pat Kennys general demeanour, as is the unyielding wooden-feeling seats which serve to act as a form of self-flagelation for even staying in this god-forsaken country, never mind for buying a new FACT! in the first place to impress the neighbours when you can’t afford Christmas. The Frontline can only turn left.
BreadLine – the entry level model, but the one Volkwagen is the most excited about as being "leading edge both environmentally and socially, bringing synergies across multiple value-led brands, and giving Dacia a dirty sanchez". In fact, if you will pardon the pun, the BreadLine is a market-leading pre-owned scheme of sorts, levering the sunk manufacturing and CO2 costs of existing VW models while enhancing with components of the IMF platform. End-of-life products from eastern europe are cost-effectively refreshed, with drivetrain components removed and replaced with Shimano. “It’s our first holistic zero-emissions vehicle” one VW marketing person enthused; “Greenpeace can go fuck right off to another stand at the next motorshow!”. This zero-emissions drivetrain actively encourages carpooling as a consequence, cutting journey times both by reducing the number of cars on the road and how quickly they can move. The interiors are re-trimmed with a wicking material supplied by designer value brand ‘Crivit. By Lidl’.
Also available to special order is the:
INFACT!AAA – expected to be ordered mostly by government departments this has an extended wheelbase, interior by Louis Copland, IED level protection and absolutely no communication package at all.
FACT!Felt! - which comes with no springs as standard, full window tint, Mercedes alloys and pizza delivery rack on the passenger seat.
According to the press bumf “Volkswagen historically have always had a strong relationship with Ireland, from KND kit manufacture of the Beetle, to in-life destructive testing throughout the ‘80s with rural owners of Jettas, and indeed the testing of a suite of brands here now. Fact!"
They went on to say “Ireland’s culture now is leading edge in many respects such as technology and austerity so we were cognisant of, and moved swiftly to capture, the zeitgeist of Irish life. This is why we now proudly bring you the Volkswagen FACT!”.
Mirroring the MQB platform-sharing architecture first seen in the Mk7 Golf, the FACT! utilises a specific configuration coded internally as ‘IMF’. This is built down to a price that would make a mexican owner blush, but provides a very cost-effective base on which to build the FACT! and allows multiple styles and propulsive devices to be marketed for specific countries and demographics. Ireland is the brand launch country, with three trim levels being provided at launch. These are as follows:
WhiteLine – top of the range, sporting a mirrored external finish with French accents inside including multiple powder holders. Off-road, urban warrior accoutrements are a no cost option, replacing the chrome accents with ‘Columbian "High"land' exterior cladding. Luxurious multiple cylinder engines are the only option, all mated to 8spd DSG gearboxes. Full connectivity is standard, using SmugCloud synergization of social media, active cruise control designed for urban environments and, a world first, linked to the location of your socialite/mumsie buddies where it will drop a window, slow down, and allow you to say ‘must do lunch – bring Tarquin!’ whilst simultaneously updating your Facepalm account. Dynamically it is utter, utter, UTTER $hit with no redeeming qualities other than not making much noise as it bounces & shudders and crashes its way along, but Volkwagen are confident that "over the last 20years we have progressively lowered the appreciation of such things to the point that our demographic are now uneducated as to how a car should perform, and equate ‘painful’ with ‘sporty’.". Which contextualises why so many bored housewifes equate rough anal to a bit of daytime sport, and also that a lot of male Audi drivers are obviously pillow biters.
FrontLine – expected to the the most popular FACT! model, bought predominantly by the ‘coping classes’. This is fully specced outside with large wheels, additional chrome accents, 2.7TDi 4motion badging and sophisticated colour combinations that ‘express the comfortable, educated and informed style of their moderately successful owners’ according to Volkswagen. In a clever juxtaposition the powerplant is a 1.4TDi driving a single front wheel only. A pay-as-you-go meter is housed in the centre console in place of any in car entertainment. Upholstery is modelled on Pat Kennys general demeanour, as is the unyielding wooden-feeling seats which serve to act as a form of self-flagelation for even staying in this god-forsaken country, never mind for buying a new FACT! in the first place to impress the neighbours when you can’t afford Christmas. The Frontline can only turn left.
BreadLine – the entry level model, but the one Volkwagen is the most excited about as being "leading edge both environmentally and socially, bringing synergies across multiple value-led brands, and giving Dacia a dirty sanchez". In fact, if you will pardon the pun, the BreadLine is a market-leading pre-owned scheme of sorts, levering the sunk manufacturing and CO2 costs of existing VW models while enhancing with components of the IMF platform. End-of-life products from eastern europe are cost-effectively refreshed, with drivetrain components removed and replaced with Shimano. “It’s our first holistic zero-emissions vehicle” one VW marketing person enthused; “Greenpeace can go fuck right off to another stand at the next motorshow!”. This zero-emissions drivetrain actively encourages carpooling as a consequence, cutting journey times both by reducing the number of cars on the road and how quickly they can move. The interiors are re-trimmed with a wicking material supplied by designer value brand ‘Crivit. By Lidl’.
Also available to special order is the:
INFACT!AAA – expected to be ordered mostly by government departments this has an extended wheelbase, interior by Louis Copland, IED level protection and absolutely no communication package at all.
FACT!Felt! - which comes with no springs as standard, full window tint, Mercedes alloys and pizza delivery rack on the passenger seat.
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