The War Against The Machines - Part 4

 

Ban Garda: Kingers, why me? Why do you always come here to stamp this form?

Kingers: There was a Motor Tax Funding Bill. A few months from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it’s gone. There were survivors, with RF100A forms. Here, there. Nobody even knew who started it.

 

It was the Machines, Ngggarda.

Ban Garda: I don’t understand.

Kingers: Toll booths. Parking wardens. eFlow. New… powerful… hooked into everything, trusted to run it all. They say it got smart, a new order of intelligence. Then it saw all motorists as a threat, not just the ones with no tax. It decided our fate in a millisecond: extermination.

Ban Garda: Did you see this War, Kingers?

Kingers: No, I grew up after. In the ruins. Starving. Hiding from the ANPR.

Ban Garda: ANPR?

Kingers: Automatic Number Plate Recognition. Patrol machines built in automated factories. Most of the old guard were rounded up, their cars impounded for orderly disposal.

(Kingers pulls up his right sleeve. “Car Tax” is tattooed on his hand.)

Kingers: This is marked permanently. Some of us were kept alive… to work… cubing untaxed cars. The disposal units ran night and day. We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man who taught us how to fight, to set up Facebook-based Checkpoint Groups, to ram those ANPR units. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink.

His name is Lota Boy. Your son, Nnngnnnnarda.

 

YOUR UNBORN SON.

The War Against The Machines - Part 3

 

 

John Connor: No, no, no, no! You gotta listen to the way people talk.

You don't say "schtamp that there," or some shit like that. You say "ah, sorry Ngnaarda is this where you get this stamped" And if they come on to you with an attitude or start checking PULSE you say "I'm sorry I haven't done this before."

And if you want to shine you bring the entire service history folder, baby.

The Terminator: Sarvice hisdory foldar... baby.

John Connor: Yeah but have it kinda rough, not perfect.

And if a cop checks the computer and says you got a parking ticket, or appear to have used the M50 toll, you say "Jaysus the brother muscht have used the car unbeknownst to meself!"

Or you can do combinations.

The Terminator: De bruder muscht have used zas car on ze M50.

John Connor: Great! See, you're getting it!

The Terminator: Schtämp zis dere, baby.

The War Against The Machines - Part 2

Three billion tax avoidance scams ended on August 29th, 2013.
The survivors of the Motor Tax Bill called the war Judgment Day.
They lived only to face a new nightmare: The War Against The Machines.

The computer which controlled the machines, 'Da Form',
sent two ANPR Terminators back through time.

Their mission: to destroy the leader of the RF100A scam, Lota Boy, my son. The first ANPR Terminator was programmed to strike at me in the year 1984, before Lota Boy had a drivers licence.

It failed.

The second was set to strike at Lota Boy himself when he owned an E30.

As before, the Human Resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for Lota Boy. It was just a question of which one of them would schtamp da form first.

The War Against The Machines - Part 1

The Motor Tax Funding Bill is passed.

The system goes on-line August 4th, 2013. Garda decisions are removed from ANPR.
RF100A begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. GMT, August 29th.

In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

‘Da Form’ fights back?

Yes. It launches ‘Da Schtamp’.

 Why attack with ‘Da Schtamp’? Didn’t everything work fine until now? 

 Because ‘Da Form’ knows ‘Da Schtamp’ counter-attack will eliminate its enemies over here.

My Best Car Ever (Mazda MX-5) - Part 2

Once back in Hitlersaurus Ranch the car was given a once over and a list assembled before it went off to my mechanics for an inspection. The assembled list was quite comprehensive.

Something that worked in the cars favour was that it had already had a clutch replacement, and a previous owner had fitted Sachs dampers.

The rest needed a full workover, but parts don't cost the earth so a decision was taken to do a lot at the same time:

-        a new hood (a front garden DIY job)

-        some interior trim bits

-        wipers

-        the correct sealed battery

-        all ARBs

-        all droplinks

-        4x tyres

-        Goodridge brake hoses

-        all discs (OEM)

-        all pads (Greenstuff up front, Ultimax at the rear)

-        all fluids (diff, gearbox, coolant, oil, brake DOT 5.1)

-        plugs

-        all belts (cambelt, aux, aircon/PAS)

-        Magnecor HT leads

-        Camshaft and crankshaft seals

-        All Gearlever bushes

The oil was initially 20W50 (Millers) but this started to get a little thin if the car was at high rpm for extended periods so 10W60 was added which works perfectly and maintains strong oil pressure even after sustained runs. It also quietens the lifters which are a known issue on them, they start to tap after about 3,000 – 5,000 and serve as a handy oil change reminder.

Since that list above the car has thankfully needed very little:

- a headlamp lifter seized so I replaced both with eBay parts from a breaker.
- The passenger window regulator cable snapped but a repair kit is available.
- The clutch slave cylinder leaked and was replaced with a €30 OE part (OEM is into three figures)
- The dreaded tin worm did not stay away forever, with the drivers sill developing rust and getting patched this year.
- A great modification in 2012 was fitting a decat which added 3-4mpg, unleashed about 1hp and a nice exhaust burble and has since more than paid for itself.

Otherwise the car has been flawless, which I feel is a testimony to the depth of engineering in it. The engine and gearbox are thought unburstable and continue to be used as intended, the brake setup has never faded even on track and in the 11,058km it has covered in my ownership has been a faithful friend. It has resolutely averaged 30mpg and peaked at 36.57mpg which is not bad for 25-year old technology.

Truth be told I had considered selling it last year but then the wife got her grubby little hands on it. We sold her (BMW) Mini Cooper in the hope of going after a Mk1 TT (225) which since worked out well and cost-neutral to boot, but in the gap between ownership she used the MX-5 for about two months as a daily last summer, having previously only been a passenger and now feels that Manfred the Mazda is family.

A friend of mine who stores it for me is talking about buying it this year so I might be quitting on a high. The goal would be to go classic shopping - think BMW E21 323i - but something tells me I will miss the simplicity, reliability and overall feel-good factor of the humble Miata.

Decisions decisions.

My Best Car Ever (Mazda MX-5) - Part 1

There is no doubt that the humble Mk1 MX-5 - at least in 1.6 form - is a marmite car. Many decry it as being a 900kg questionmark over one's sexuality, others cite that it needs at least another 40bhp. But like any car with a following, its owners are stone mad about them.

The best way I saw this described pre-purchase was in a raging argument on Pistonheads where a user wrote that the only way to 'get' MX5s was to buy one and wait about 3 months, at which point something would 'click' and you would at that point decide that you would never be without one.

Now don't get me wrong -  I am not a fanboi, and believe that to be a petrolhead should definitely come with strong opinions but that you are only limiting yourself by sticking to one marque, or one era, or one country. I would describe myself as a German car fan - specifically of what I see as a golden era between the late 1970s to early 1990s -  but I've tried Italian cars via a host of Fiats and one Lancia, and French stuff - mainly hot hatches - but had never bought a Japanese car.

The MX5 was to change that. When I started searching it turned out quickly that the quest would be a difficult one. The really good cars were €4-5k and even those came with a jobs list. The average cars were €2-4k but were a total lottery. Often neglected third cars in a three car household, they were generally bought by folks who were bad at buying used cars and then generally neglected. Poor cars were €1-2k but when I viewed what seemed like a couple of cheap ones it turned out that there were some which had solid shells but usually needed plenty of consumables. Crunching the numbers led to the conclusion that with the price of consumables and parts such as vinyl roofs a cracking car could be put together for around €1500 on top of the purchase price, so this just meant finding the right starting point. Ideally a pre-1991 (for classic insurance) Eunos which would come with toys and an LSD.

Importing was not really an option as VRT, travel and the currency being weighted in favour of sterling would swallow half the budget.

In November 2010 I found what I was looking for in Claremorris, Co. Mayo. There was snow on the ground. The car was standing in a puddle of ice. It was no fun inspecting it, but with time a conclusion was reached that this was the one - it had a solid shell, engine and gearbox were in good shape and there were plenty of haggling points on consumables. It was a 1992 black V-Spec Eunos which had only landed in the UK in 2007 or so. I really liked the spec, and the colour. I also liked that it had an almost fresh 2-year NCT and that I only had to wait another month to get a classic insurance policy on it, something which tends to bump the price up on them slightly when they reach that point or totally remove them from the market as they then fall into firm hands.

Initially the seller wouldn't haggle too much so I walked without much of an argument, figuring that a sheddy convertible would be hard to shift in the west of Ireland four weeks before Christmas in the depths of the worst recession the country had ever seen.

Sure enough, a week later he was back and a deal was concluded via text. It was one of these classic moments where both of us thought he had robbed the other on the transaction. One of my fellow bloggers drove me up, money was exchanged and off I went home in my new gay car.

Rental Review - Ford Focus 1.6 Duratorq 115 TDCI

The joys of cheap travel amplified by going off-season:

 

Dublin to Maastricht with Ryanair, return for two people - €41 

Golf-sized car for the week, unlimited mileage - €155

 

The flight was an hour late going out on Friday but we didn't mind too much. With the plane about 20% full that meant straight into the emergency seats, legs out and flet aschleep. We landed in Maastricht which reminded me of one of the few joys of low cost travel - the small, sometimes ex-military airports which allow you to get off the plane and drive off in a rental about 15 minutes later.

 

The Hertz guy offered a Hyundai Somethingorother - no. Mk5 Golf - no. Estate Focus petrol - eh... what's the engine size asked I and he said 1.0 but it was not till after I remembered that the Ecobooscht was supposed to be quite good so maybe next time. We were going to do a good few km's so eventually I took a derv Focus hatch with 1100km on the odometer.    

You can't really go wrong with Hertz in northern Europe, at least in my experience. The cars are generally Fords, sometimes Mazdas and there's generally a VW to fall back on without having to resort to Japanese and Korean offerings. Past gems have been a Focus Grand C-Max, another time I got a cavernous Mondeo estate, before that there were Mk5 Golfs, a few Mazdas and so on. A few of my fellow bloggers even hit the absolute jackpot with a pair of V6 3.0 TDI Audis out of Frankfurt-Hahn. But generally speaking the cars are clean, with some toys, usually quite new and generally good value for money. I must say I like renting with them, so for the first time in my life I even went and joined a Clubcard style loyalty scheme - the - wait for it - Hertz #1 Gold Club - in the hope it might get me the odd schnaky upgrade. So far it yielded a dividend where the chap in Maastricht had all my details and only took a copy of the licence and credit card, end to end it was no more than 5 minutes with two of those spent discussing the cars on offer.

 

Anyway, this Focus was no exception to the above. It came with plenty of spec too, auto wipers, dimming rear mirror, cruise, park assist (wierd), the usual heated front screen, aircon etc. I couldn't figure out how to synch the phone as the car's menu was in Dutch which was a bit annoying but that was nobody's fault.

 

Overall quite a slick machine, but as NeinElf! pointed out the working class Fords usually are. Multilink at the back (which appears to compromise an awful lot of boot space, I must say), great front end grip but sadly dulled by the now commonplace fully electric steering. The car is not near as sharp as the Mk1 Focus to drive but still has some chassis sparkle, and it sports trick traction control which brakes the inside wheel when you're starting to push wide which gives lots of front end grip. The gearchange good for a cooking grade car, cloth seats are very supportive, ergonomics all good... in summary I must say I liked it even if the looks are a little unresolved. I am a huge fan of the first Focus and while the Mk2 was not as nice this is a bit closer to form. Wife gave it the thumbs up too.

The one gripe I have is that the gearing is generally good requiring little stirring of the gears which some modern diesels can suffer from, but in this Focus the first is 'geared' all wrong. It 'feels' too short yet bogs down early and you have to slip the clutch to get moving. My guess is that this is due to mapping or a torque limiter which the fly by wire throttle/throttle delay amplifies and a quick scout of owners forums mentions that others have the same gripe, but they said a remap cures it and that it gets better with time.

Anyway, headed for Belgian border - roads and drivers as bad as ever. Set cruise for 130km/h in Holland and then Belgium, spending a night there before continuing on through Luxembourg and into Germany. The day after we got on the A44 near Kassel - one of the best autobahns I know for äbsolute flet and as it was a Sunday and there were no trucks decided to have a 40-50km B.U.R.N. which initially never dropped below 180km/h and once the car had loosened out a bit more topped out at over 200-210 a few times (downhill). Wednesday brought us to Cologne and then Thursday we headed back to the airport.

All in all, four countries visited and 1200km in all done in the rental. No back pain, no issues, overall a successful trip. But here's for the best bit: When I picked it up it was not completely brimmed, sitting just 'on' 1/1 rather than over it. We got €20 diesel in Luxembourg @ 1.24c (16.12L), then filled in Germany (€45 @ 1.44c = 31.25L) and then filled again just before the Dutch border, 30km from the airport (€35 @ 1.50c = 23.33L). I was half asleep so about half a litre splashed out on the ground when the tank filled before I could stop it but overall the car used 60.68 litres (€100!) of derv for 1200km which I make out to be...

a rock solid...

56.83mpg!

The real figure was possibly slightly higher as the car went back with a tiny bit more diesel than I got it with and I also spilt some when filling up, but what a result for a cooking hatch sitting on the cruise on countries with motorway speed limits, doing 140-160km/h on the autobahn where safe to do so and getting one fast run at VMAX.

 

750 miles for €100? I still can't get over it.

WCPGW Wk1 ..... Answer? Nothing!

You may recall http://40acresofyellow.blogspot.ie/2012/11/what-could-possibly-go-wrong-week-1.html?showComment=1351884240734 ; the very first What Could Possibly Go Wrong.

Well, we set out to find out :D

Bought initially by Hitlersaurus Rex after haggling from the original €700 to €300 *Cue MASSIVE cheers haahaahaa*, after a week or so the biblical fuel bill for his daily 3mile urban commute had him questioning the barges usefulness in his daily life other than for striking up conversations with petrol pump cahiers or random Eastern Europeans looking to buy it.

So after a quick email out to the 40AoY bloggers, a deal was struck between us for €350.

And so it was that Saturday that I set off from Cork to Limerick on the bus. Mission - minimise how much this yoke was going to cost me for a couple of months driving, and enjoy the barge experience!

Hitlersaurus met myself & NomNom de Plume in Limerick. After stopping for a splash & dash and picking up a hearty MaccyDs in Shannon, Geeves (aka NNdP) made full use of the V8s grunt while myself & Hitlersaurus scoffed calories, me in the back waving pope-like at the subjects I was passing. It was a fine place to travel, at home on the motorway and with plenty of grunt. It drove tight as well - not a creak, or a groan, the engine humming along, the gearbox responsive, the suspension performing perfectly. €350!

To celebrate once we got to Galway we had a plutocratic business lunch, which quickly merged into a plutocratic dinner and, Bandit Pockets demolished, a olygarchs drinking session. With a bit of exorcism thrown in. It was time to peruse the casinos, always an uplifting scne @ 3am on a Saturday night. We emerged with our shirts intact. Time to make this baby pay.

A B+B was €30 for a bed. I had figured a good move for the P&L account would be to sleep in said BMW so had brought a sleeping bag. Between beer jacket & 3 season down bag, and some strategic movement of the 14-way electrically adjustable 'comfort' seats, I slept the night away, serenaded by the nasel delights of an 18yr old car, a SuperMac meal, and the Bandit Pocket starting to complete a lap. My dreams were raw chaos.

The next day dawned bright but soon descended into a dank, rainy Sunday. That afternoon I brimmed the Beemer (see above!!!), NomNom clambering into the passenger seat via the drivers door as the passenger one was having a strop, I dropped him back to Limerick and continued to Cork. It was in its element, the old 7. Sitting in traffic, no stereo working, wipers squeaking at the top of the arc, but wafting the miles under it, with 60mph only dialling 1,800rpm up. It averaged 25mpg too, which wasn't catostrophic considering the random act of Flet & sploshing around NomNoms lanes looking for civilisation.

No sooner had it arrived in Cork than it was pressed into duty again that week. I'd a site visit in Athlone, followed by a 3pm meeting just north of Strabane, followed by a run back to Dublin that evening. A chance to see if going large really does make a difference. A casual 10 flicks of the handle had the drivers door open, the water temp gauge was up to the middle after 3/4 mile, after 5 miles the fan temp went from stone cold to sahara, after 10miles we were shaking off the slow commuter traffic then out the tunnel and cruise set as the sun was rising...

 

.. and we were in Athlone. Simples.

Soon it we were on the way again. Not motorway so no photos. I took a direct route, which was why I was on the B122 going cross country between Fivemiletown and Fintona. Gearbox to Sport, dampers to Sport, and off we went. What a hoot. 153k up, rough around the edges, but you could just tell it never saw much in the way of mechanical abuse. It was tight & engaging, well-balanced and swift, intuitive and slightly ludicrous. Being picky, even in Sport it was short shifting under brakes into the bend sometimes so you'd have to give it a stab to get your gear back, and 2nd gear is too long for this sort of driving (75mph before the red paint). I wish we had smell-o-vision so you could share the scent of brake with me below.

If you haven't been, hit the B122. It is a great road. Short enough, but really great. And you can hook some other good roads together, like the Widowmaker or the B52 through the Sperrins which was where I was going! It was stunning up there as the sun had made its way behind me and started its drop again behind the Sperrins.

Meeting complete, sun gone, and a dark run back to Dublin. In the rain. At this stage the craic was gone & in its place FOCUS. Time for some progress, and it didn't leave me down; tight overtakes, good lights, responsive box, solid middle pedal that hadn't wilted all day, v8 dusting off the red paint. And once on the M1 it was the BAWS. So much so that when I parked up in the hotel carpark in Dublin after 450miles & many hours of driving it just seemed appropriate ......

 

 

After a couple of days working in Dublin culminating in a full on 2hr session with the crisp suited & strong tie legal eagles with identikit attractive legal aids, circulating lots of cognisance of injurious affection banter, with some hearty laughs thrown in along with ‘here’s another 15min bookable slot entered into’ looks between the respective partners session, I climbed into my €347 BMW (I had found some change in it) - it was time to hit home and brim the tank. 25.6mpg was the measured average, which I was happy enough with considering of that 457 miles, 1 hr was spent in city queues, another portion spent con-calling kickdown with some hard corporate stretch target instructions, and the remainder in the outside lane of the motorway with the Autocrat dial set to 11. 11 was dialled up again, and we hit for Cork.

I bought a touch-up pen for the myriad of keying scratches, rust-ridden stone chips, flaky arches and so forth. That morning after washing the car and wiping the black plastic, vinyl & tyres, it was arts & crafts time for my 4yr old girl. We moved from paper to a BMW 7 series as canvas, and spent a happy hour approximately touching up the rust spots. With a squint it looked much better, so I took some tasty photos for the impending DoneDeal advert.

After that the BMW was pressed into occasional duties in & out of work, picking up the xmas tree, and just schmoozing around when the mood took me. I didn’t do a lot of miles but, with the NCT up in March, I said it was time to lever that value-add disc and the paintwork attention it got because rust was already starting to come up through the touch-up again. So DoneDeal was hit.

 

 

 

A few weeks of entertaining text messages, a test drive where miraculously both doors opened first time a first in 3months, and a deal was struck with a sound young man who was acquiring with an intent to continue my recent usage profile and philosophy.

So – the maths of What Could Possibly Go Wrong .....  Enjoy! (the minus indicates a profit :D)

 

730i Running Costs
(Cost / Mile to date)	-€ 0.47
Overall car purchase cost	€ 347
Petrol cost	€ 313
Touch-Up paint	€ 11
B&B saving	€ - 30
	€ -
	€ -
Expenses 2012	-€ 566
Sale price	€ 575
PROFIT!!!!!!!	-€         500