The Tarmac Valhalla Spa.

This just dropped into our email letterbox tray thing, where do I sign?

Not at Geneva 2013, NNdP is in rhyming mood…

I think I'm suffering from Geneva Overload, too much info, I'm done. And it's only 10am on Day One.


I'm not even there, attending vicariously through Twitt Air.

The Wraith is spectacular, the Bentley not far off.

Golf 7 Variant seem old fashioned, even in the Concept R version that no-one will ever buy.

The Octavia Combi VRS is probably all the car I'll ever need.

Kia naming still naff, should have stuck with a spin on pro-ce'ed.

SSangyong no longer a byword for "hideous".

Rinspeed still a byword for "ridiculous"

The P1 is completely OTT, Veneno sounds like an STD.

They should have just painted it white and called it the Mach 5.

Expect both to be overshadowed by the Enzo 2.0 when it goes live.
Word.

The War Against The Machines - Part 4

 

Ban Garda: Kingers, why me? Why do you always come here to stamp this form?

Kingers: There was a Motor Tax Funding Bill. A few months from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it’s gone. There were survivors, with RF100A forms. Here, there. Nobody even knew who started it.

 

It was the Machines, Ngggarda.

Ban Garda: I don’t understand.

Kingers: Toll booths. Parking wardens. eFlow. New… powerful… hooked into everything, trusted to run it all. They say it got smart, a new order of intelligence. Then it saw all motorists as a threat, not just the ones with no tax. It decided our fate in a millisecond: extermination.

Ban Garda: Did you see this War, Kingers?

Kingers: No, I grew up after. In the ruins. Starving. Hiding from the ANPR.

Ban Garda: ANPR?

Kingers: Automatic Number Plate Recognition. Patrol machines built in automated factories. Most of the old guard were rounded up, their cars impounded for orderly disposal.

(Kingers pulls up his right sleeve. “Car Tax” is tattooed on his hand.)

Kingers: This is marked permanently. Some of us were kept alive… to work… cubing untaxed cars. The disposal units ran night and day. We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man who taught us how to fight, to set up Facebook-based Checkpoint Groups, to ram those ANPR units. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink.

His name is Lota Boy. Your son, Nnngnnnnarda.

 

YOUR UNBORN SON.

The War Against The Machines - Part 3

 

 

John Connor: No, no, no, no! You gotta listen to the way people talk.

You don't say "schtamp that there," or some shit like that. You say "ah, sorry Ngnaarda is this where you get this stamped" And if they come on to you with an attitude or start checking PULSE you say "I'm sorry I haven't done this before."

And if you want to shine you bring the entire service history folder, baby.

The Terminator: Sarvice hisdory foldar... baby.

John Connor: Yeah but have it kinda rough, not perfect.

And if a cop checks the computer and says you got a parking ticket, or appear to have used the M50 toll, you say "Jaysus the brother muscht have used the car unbeknownst to meself!"

Or you can do combinations.

The Terminator: De bruder muscht have used zas car on ze M50.

John Connor: Great! See, you're getting it!

The Terminator: Schtämp zis dere, baby.

The War Against The Machines - Part 2

Three billion tax avoidance scams ended on August 29th, 2013.
The survivors of the Motor Tax Bill called the war Judgment Day.
They lived only to face a new nightmare: The War Against The Machines.

The computer which controlled the machines, 'Da Form',
sent two ANPR Terminators back through time.

Their mission: to destroy the leader of the RF100A scam, Lota Boy, my son. The first ANPR Terminator was programmed to strike at me in the year 1984, before Lota Boy had a drivers licence.

It failed.

The second was set to strike at Lota Boy himself when he owned an E30.

As before, the Human Resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for Lota Boy. It was just a question of which one of them would schtamp da form first.

The War Against The Machines - Part 1

The Motor Tax Funding Bill is passed.

The system goes on-line August 4th, 2013. Garda decisions are removed from ANPR.
RF100A begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. GMT, August 29th.

In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

‘Da Form’ fights back?

Yes. It launches ‘Da Schtamp’.

 Why attack with ‘Da Schtamp’? Didn’t everything work fine until now? 

 Because ‘Da Form’ knows ‘Da Schtamp’ counter-attack will eliminate its enemies over here.

My Best Car Ever (Mazda MX-5) - Part 2

Once back in Hitlersaurus Ranch the car was given a once over and a list assembled before it went off to my mechanics for an inspection. The assembled list was quite comprehensive.

Something that worked in the cars favour was that it had already had a clutch replacement, and a previous owner had fitted Sachs dampers.

The rest needed a full workover, but parts don't cost the earth so a decision was taken to do a lot at the same time:

-        a new hood (a front garden DIY job)

-        some interior trim bits

-        wipers

-        the correct sealed battery

-        all ARBs

-        all droplinks

-        4x tyres

-        Goodridge brake hoses

-        all discs (OEM)

-        all pads (Greenstuff up front, Ultimax at the rear)

-        all fluids (diff, gearbox, coolant, oil, brake DOT 5.1)

-        plugs

-        all belts (cambelt, aux, aircon/PAS)

-        Magnecor HT leads

-        Camshaft and crankshaft seals

-        All Gearlever bushes

The oil was initially 20W50 (Millers) but this started to get a little thin if the car was at high rpm for extended periods so 10W60 was added which works perfectly and maintains strong oil pressure even after sustained runs. It also quietens the lifters which are a known issue on them, they start to tap after about 3,000 – 5,000 and serve as a handy oil change reminder.

Since that list above the car has thankfully needed very little:

- a headlamp lifter seized so I replaced both with eBay parts from a breaker.
- The passenger window regulator cable snapped but a repair kit is available.
- The clutch slave cylinder leaked and was replaced with a €30 OE part (OEM is into three figures)
- The dreaded tin worm did not stay away forever, with the drivers sill developing rust and getting patched this year.
- A great modification in 2012 was fitting a decat which added 3-4mpg, unleashed about 1hp and a nice exhaust burble and has since more than paid for itself.

Otherwise the car has been flawless, which I feel is a testimony to the depth of engineering in it. The engine and gearbox are thought unburstable and continue to be used as intended, the brake setup has never faded even on track and in the 11,058km it has covered in my ownership has been a faithful friend. It has resolutely averaged 30mpg and peaked at 36.57mpg which is not bad for 25-year old technology.

Truth be told I had considered selling it last year but then the wife got her grubby little hands on it. We sold her (BMW) Mini Cooper in the hope of going after a Mk1 TT (225) which since worked out well and cost-neutral to boot, but in the gap between ownership she used the MX-5 for about two months as a daily last summer, having previously only been a passenger and now feels that Manfred the Mazda is family.

A friend of mine who stores it for me is talking about buying it this year so I might be quitting on a high. The goal would be to go classic shopping - think BMW E21 323i - but something tells me I will miss the simplicity, reliability and overall feel-good factor of the humble Miata.

Decisions decisions.